If you’ve spent any time in benzo forums, you already know my story, because it’s basically everyone’s story. My story is boring, but not boring in the relaxing way…That’s the thing about it that gets me: it’s so cookie-cutter, I almost feel bad telling my story.
Kid Years + Adult Years
I was always a bit of an anxious kid and never slept super well. No trauma, did fine in school, it just was never ideal. Then in my late twenties I went back to school while working full time, a close friend died, and it all became a bit too much. Someone told me I should talk to a doctor, so I did. I trusted the system, and I walked out with a benzodiazepine prescription. Nobody said anything about dependence, or short term use, or not stopping abruptly. And honestly? At first it was marvelous. I slept. I felt like myself again, so why would I ever fret.
The Classic Escalation
Fast forward two quiet years, and the dose stopped working. It got raised four times in about a year and a half, and that’s when the side effects moved in: a permanent hangover, sick to my stomach, slow on the outside but jittery on the inside, mind turned to mush. All my tests came back normal and my prescriber was not concerned (lots of people take way more for years, he said). He also said I could just stop if I wanted to.
I’m guessing you can infer what happened next. I stopped, and a couple of days later I genuinely thought I was dying. The ER figured it might be withdrawal and put me right back on my old dose. That’s when I finally started reading, found the Ashton Manual, switched to diazepam, and tapered for eight months with a spreadsheet, a scale and a pipette (yes, I planned every single dose in Excel, I’m that kind of person). It was hell, but it ended, and I was ready to celebrate.
Then PAWS
Instead, a few weeks after my last dose, I got WORSE. New symptoms I’d never had in my life: brain zaps, balance problems, waking up at night in a panic. Turns out this has a name, PAWS (or BIND), and mine lasted almost two years.
Suffering Is Not A Treatment Plan – That’s Where My Story Differs
But I was not about to accept years of suffering as a treatment plan. I tried a bunch of things, supplements mostly (some useless, some maybe a little help), and after two years of obsessive reading I finally went for the one option with actual research behind it: flumazenil. It helped enormously. It was not a cure. A strict sleep schedule and therapy carried a lot of the rest.
I’m not 100%, but I’m here, working, sleeping, living. The rest of this blog is the long version.
